To start out, even though it is an hour to go here for me, let me wish you all a Merry Christmas. (The title has nothing to do with this time of season)

I am finding myself, once again awake, in my room with the only light being that of my monitor, I cannot sleep, and I am disappointed in myself. I passed all my classes, running the passable alphabet (A, B, and C), greatly enjoy my job, and now have time off. Yet, I cannot seem to make myself write. It is not lack of ideas, there are some things I do want to write, granted some of them are just vague, nebulous ideas, others are characters lingering at the back of my mind, yet other ideas are a bit more formed, as far as the structure goes, but empty and needing detail. I want to make myself write, but I do everything I can to avoid it. Even sitting up right now, unable to sleep, I am doing anything but what I have planned to do over the break. I could try writing something instead of writing this journal entry. (Yea yea, you know what I mean.) I will sit and stare at the same news article, or refresh a webpage for an update, or just look through my existing documents for the hundredth time, all avoiding what I had planned.

When I first started this account... I feared this was going to happen. I get into projects, only to let them die on the vine. My works in trying to world build Xyo and Lycaria, quitting the IPL, it all just sort of seems to end, because I cannot bring myself to see them out.

I am also... I keep thinking I need to get back into RP, get back into a MU* of some sort, replace the hole that Jadri left. I guess it is really pathetic I still think about it. Worse... I dwell upon the end of it. Maybe it is because I never let it out, or maybe I am just stupid this way, but just before the end something happened, and it changed the way I felt about certain people. The big one I seem to reflect upon, since just before it closed, and which comes to my thoughts now and again, a player that went by Alarik/Monkey. He seemed to be a great guy, and we would talk on occasion, I had actually thought him as a friend. He had encouraged me to try and become a builder at some points, or to go ahead, and try to flesh out the world, and I thought he was being nice. Then I learned that a person who absolutely seemed to despise me, not just my characters, but at a person level, was one of the highest ranking, and the most respected admins. At this, I felt absolutely betrayed by Monkey, and I never asked him about it, I just let the feelings fester. Hell it is not like he will even read this, so I don't know what the point of writing it is. Maybe I hope to cleanse the soul a bit or something, any ways, the MUD died, and we never spoke, since, well what was there to talk about.

It all probably sound stupid, but a large part, if no my only non-family, social interactions occurred only because of the MUD. The last move we made, (my father was military) was done just as my schooling would be over. I never went back to public school after the last move, so there was no forced interaction to make friends, hell I had no where TO make friends. I did attend scouts, briefly, and then... well. So the only people I talked too were on MUDs, chatrooms, and message boards. These days, I have no message boards I visit, no chat rooms to wait around in, and no MUD to connect too. I think that is why I feel lonely these days, worse then I ever known it. In the past, even though I had no friends around me, who I could go visit, I still had people I looked forward to talking too, looked forward to talking about the day with, or enjoying time together with. These days... I don't, I have no friends, and there seems to be nothing to change that.

I am sorry. This is, and I am, just stupid. I should just delete it, posting this will serve no use, but... it is the longest thing I have written in a while so... why not. I am sorry if you wasted your time reading this.